The radio started at 7:30am as it usually does every day, then I heard Mark and Lisa on the air again like two non-stop talking machines. They are always funny and in this very early winter morning they sounded particularly energetic, considering the cold air from the freezing night has not cleared away yet. At that moment I was in my warm bed and listening to them laughing with each other, expressing themselves, throwing out a new topic and teassing the audience. I can easily grab every word of their conversation as I have been in this bloody English environment for four and half years and I am supposed to be good at it, and in the matter of the fact, I do sense it no longer a problem at all. But guess what? No, I didn’t have even a little bit such feelings. On the contrary, I was feelling extremely desperated, totally in despair.

Yes, that was how I felt. I am always okay if I don’t have any connection or communication with other people, like when I write in English, prepare my stuff in English or just sit here thinking in English. I could die being proud of my acheivement in English at the end of my life. I would have felt good about myself. I would have been confident with my English and I would have believed it sufficient to live my life this way till I die. But once the locals open their mouths and start talking, all this positive feelings magically disappear. Comparing to them, even to a six years old kid, I am like a dummy and a total good-for-nothing. My tongue is like a stupid fat goose tumbling on the icy surface; my brain stops thinking and sometime it even gets worse than that by giving me some messy instruction to organize my speech; I could hardly like what has come out of my mouth for most of the time, no matter it’s my pronunciatiom, content or the structure of sentences; the feeling of that I am a big fat fool is so overwhelming that I always feel I’d better just shut myself up .

After I got up I told my husband how I felt. He was surprised because he thought he was the only one here feeling that way. We had a quick hug to express our sympathy with each other for our common surferrings and felt lucky for not being alone. Then we had a discussion about if there is any possibility to become as good as those locals, and the conclusion was a very affirmative nagation. We both agreed that there is no way for us to be able to speak like Mark & Lisa in this life. What a pity!!!!!