I know recently my blog is full of unimportant topics, such as my chilli plants, the office Xmas photos, falling flowers in our courtyard or some knitting projects….seriously at the end of the day, nobody would really care about these stuffs happening in my life. Even myself, couldn’t care less about them after I’ve done talking

However, while I am posting these things, I do think about other “more important” things happening in this world, such as economic crisis, reducing interest rate and petrol price, property market, newly elected American president and the possibility of losing a job, earning more money or having kids. I don’t really have less interests in these things than other unimportant daily living things, but I am just not sure how I should express my feelings about them.

I grow up in a family that never stopped studying, working and exploring, but it got to be some serious stuff. I guess kids in this family are allowed to have a rest but not really encouraged to have a totally casual lifestyle. My sister and I were not taught to enjoy the life or living in a laid back attitude. Instead of that, we were always encouraged to make best use of our every minute learning or spending spare time gaining new and useful knowledge about pursuing higher education. So this the main theme of our childhood time.

Any hobbies, joyful but not being able to feed you enough, I call them “side dishes” of my life, are not prohibited but have to be limited to a certain level. So over years and years time, I gradually develop a kind of guilty feeling about resting and eating my side dishes if I spent too much time on it. This kind of feeling sometimes bothers me so badly that I become a restless person in the very deep aspect of my personality, even my mom and dad had almost ceased telling me what to do and how to live many many years ago, I still believe that mentally I am under their influence.

But don’t take me wrong, this is not about complaining my parents and my childhood. I guess most of people around my age growing up in very similar situation. Comparing to many of others, I believe that I am a lucky one, as I got to taste of honey and tried a bit of everything, like a yum-cha banquet. It’s just recently when I was thinking about those serious stuff, I put a lot of thoughts on an ordinary people’s life path.

The path that we all know….go to school, get a job, earn money, get married, have kids, buy a house, earn more money to buy a bigger house, go travelling and see the world, buy materials for daily living, maintain a relationship, change jobs, try to educate our children, then save money for retirement, get older and older and wait to die….. When I thought about these things, it actually occurred to me that all of these are actually nothing other than making out of the time to kill my life. They are not pointless but certainly mean very little.

For example, you think having kids is a MUST part of your life, so you have a kid. But what have you got finally? After years, what you see might not be something you want to see…your kids turn to a total stranger, totally ignore your effort and become a person you don’t like. Couldn’t you have saved all the troubles not having kids at all at the beginning? No, you don’t learn and you wanted it, but what’s the joy in it? I’d rather believe this is collective conspiracy than individual human being’s weakness or stupidity. We all try to reason ourselves to do something that already has been proved not working, but we took, are taking and will take the bet, regardless what had happened.

Give you another example, owning a property. You know that if you buy a house with price about $300,000, you actually end up paying mortgage about $600,000. Can you believe it? This is how we kill our life, we thought we finally get something we need and we want, but we actually waste the whole life paying it out something that we don’t own (interest). But guess what? Have this ever held you up going ahead? No way…

Well, banks? The borrowers? Sometimes I think they are funny machines. What do they do? They loan you money so they can earn interests, then they can use what they earn to loan people more money to earn interests….. It’s a spiral uprising circle (if it’s all working properly), but where are they getting to? Nowhere. They make people happier? No. They solve people’s moral problems? No. They assist you to see through the life? No. They help poor people? Side dishes (if they do charity). It’s a machine to yield money by feeding it with money. Get the picture?

When you see it through, what you get is just one disappointment after another. That’s why sometimes I would rather eat my practical “side dishes” than talking about big stuff, because I want to keep the love for the life, and I want to have a reason to have interest towards it.

I don’t know. I think life is a chicky, poisonous and heart breaking bitch, who is full of lies, tricks, cheats, betrayals and bullshits. But if you only look at the appearance, her eyes, her skin, her figure, her overall moves, she is just too beautiful to make you turn your head away and say “no”.